I didn’t contact you because I didn’t want you to misinterpret my intention. In fact, I had no intention other than I thought of you and it would be genuinely great to hear from you. But I knew you would read between the lines, looking for a hidden meaning underneath my hello. You would expect from What have you been upto? more than just a lukewarm conversation. Something like an active interest, an invitation, a plan. And If I must be honest, I’m really not in a place to deliver any of those things in any shape or form. Nor could I take responsibility for the “I miss you” that I might slip out on the spur of the moment.
I didn’t contact you because the truth is, part of me was afraid that I might recklessly say more than I should. I might want to come to you again, yet for all the wrong reasons. Like last time when I texted you at 4 o’ clock after a dead party and you told me I could come over, I would’ve totally thrown away all my rationale and found my way back into your arms and probably your bed if it hadn’t been for some circumstantial inconvenience. The problem is, it isn’t because I wanted to be with you. It’s because it was 4 a.m and I was drunkenly desperate for a warm body to comfort mine. What’s even worse is that you might just want the same thing and I would end up feeling as though I was a pathetic mess having no self-respect whatsoever.
So tell me. What if it happens again? How do I resist your interest, invitation and plan? How could I keep being stupid and making decisions that do me no good? Obviously, I can’t and I won’t. If it was a year ago, you would probably get a text back within 30 seconds of contacting me and my lips would be all over yours again. I would give no shit about the impracticality of us despite being very well aware I would be the one to get hurt in the end. But I’m 21 now and I don’t want trouble any more. I’m no longer thrilled by the sign of danger and moments that give me instant gratification but would ultimately ruin me. I’ve been through enough to see our ending before we even begin again so please let me save us the hassles.
That being said, to be fair, it’s not just about you. I don’t contact you or anyone because really, right now, I need time for myself. It doesn’t matter how great someone is — at this stage of life, I’m not ready for a “we” and I’m happy being on my own. There are so many things I would like to do for myself and my future and I wouldn’t be able to give it my best if my time and energy were invested elsewhere. More importantly, I have no clue where I will be in a year or two. I don’t want to get involved with someone and have one foot out the door while pretending I can be the chill girl doing casual stuff. I’m not chill and I don’t want to be casual with the people I like. I want to be all in. I want to make promises when I’m capable of keeping and turning them into real actions. Realistically, now is not the time for that yet.
So if I don’t contact you, it doesn’t mean I don’t think of you. If there’s no response from me, it doesn’t mean my heart has been immune to human affection. Many times, I have thought and have deleted a text half-way through. Many times, I have waited if there was another message after my silence. Many times, I have wished that someone would try to break my walls and show my stubborn mind how wrong it could be. Because my door might be closed but it’s not locked yet. After all, I’m still a woman and sometimes a woman wants to have a man by her side and her womanly desires fulfilled. But I guess, unfortunately, I can’t have my cake and eat it too.
It’s all right, though. I’m 21 now and if there’s anything worthwhile I have learned, it must be about patience and self-control. I will wait and stay grounded for the life I aspire to lead and because I know the things I truly want are not readily available. It takes time. For now, I don’t mind having my phone quiet.